i need morphine!

ok... so i just need to Let this out...

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

NOW im mad!!! i am sooooo MAD!!! i am freakin' MAD!!!

pLus i am stiLL coping... coping with the stuffs happening...

i am grieving... i am in shock... 

i am... i don't know... i wanna scream!

i wanna scream out Loud... but i can't...

my head is gonna expLode soon...

so i think i need a morphine... hahaha

im fine though... ehehehe ^_^

BUT wouLd it be too much to ask to CUT ME SOME SLACK?!?!

LiKE DEATH & TAXES... CHANGE is inevitabLe

--- i beLieve im doing the best i couLd,,, given the current situation...

--- im uber tired... from a Lot of things...

--- you'LL thank me tomorrow...

--- im not suicidaL... even if i say so... i mean, i don't see myseLf kiLLing myseLf... coz #1, that's a sin! &&& #2, im sooo great it wiLL be a waste to kiLL me! hahaha

--- i think that once they aLL know... it WiLL kick in... it WiLL become more reaL... &&& it WiLL make ME feeL things... in which, i think, im not ready yet... not ready to feeL things... (you know... coz i Like the feeLing of not being abLe to feeL coz then it feeLs great not feeLing anything... yeah...)

--- im thinking of going to disneyLand &&& sea worLd before the month of May comes... just because... 

--- "in Life, onLy one thing is certain, apart from death and taxes. no matter how hard you try, no matter how good your intentions, you are going to make mistakes. you're going to hurt peopLe. you're going to get hurt. and if you ever want to recover... there's reaLLy onLy one thing you can say..." {by Meredith}

--- change is coming... as my sister said - "i have news that when i teLL you, i want you to wet your pants in shock! bwahaha"

ps::: im Liking twitter... you guys shouLd create one & foLLow me... staLk me... hunt me.. shadow me... whatever! hahaha

i got tagged!!!

*** 25 RANDOM THiNGS ABOUT ME ***

1. -- i am dark & twisted... and i Like it... being dark & twisted... 

2. -- i have Lesbian/gay tendencies... 

3. -- i had an open heart surgery!

4. -- im a texter... fast texter! hehe

5. -- this is my favorite number!

6. -- i weigh Less than 100 lbs.

7. -- i easiLy get bored with my hair styLe... so, i get a hair cut whenever & however i feeL Like it... =D

8. -- im a certified chocohoLic! =D

9. -- im broke! =/

10. -- i bite! ^_^

11. -- im not good with "taLks"... unLess im confronting someone in a bad way, Like a fight-fight... =P

12. -- i don't cook... =P

13. -- vegetabLes can kiLL me... so i think...

14. -- i share a bed with my sister.. = }

15. -- im a junkie for redbuLL & coffee!

16. -- in highschooL::: my senior prom date was a freshman... =P

17. -- i have a thing for coLored pens... hehe

18. -- i wanna own a vespa!

19. -- im nearsighted...

20. -- i wanna ride a heLicopter...

21. -- i teLL peopLe i'm gonna fart before i actuaLLy fart... hahaha

22. -- im good in hiding... coz i hide aLot... for weird reasons... =P

23. -- im a heart breaker! hahaha

24. -- most often, i Like the feeLing of not being abLe to feeL... because then, im not feeLing anything at aLL... >_<

25. -- i want to become a surgeon... one of the best surgeons... (aim high, sky high!) haha

"i got tagged by my sister at facebook... but im not much of a facebook person anymore... so im writing it here... &&& im tagging peopLe as weLL! whoever gets tagged shouLd answer!!! =P or eLse!!!... hahaha you can cLick on "comment" after this post & write yours there... (having troubLe??? too bad, so sad! =P haha juz keeding! caLL me/txt me/emaiL me so i can heLp you...) oh! & don't forget to put your name on it... or anything (ur code name, ur porn star name, our secret name), whatever... as Long as there's something i can distinguish you with... if you've done this aLready, then you can just paste your answers here... aLso, i don't have a myspace, so don't even think of answering it there... coz what's the point of tagging you if im not gonna see your answer? right??? haha

SO... im tagging the foLLowing peopLe... ^_^

--> hon_uno, my bech = LaLa, siopao, Labs = quennie, my-secret-crush = mr. J, aLpha, LoLo jay, nathanieL, dye, yetyet, marie, danieL, ate karessa, kuya O, &&& stacey...

ten-days-off

surprisingLy, i have/had a ten-days-off on my 2nd semester on the nursing program... weird huh? but i do! & today is my 10th day... tomorrow im back to schooL & back to studying... 

so, im concLuding my ten-days-off with a bLog...

why do peopLe aLways have to ask "how are you?" or "how you doing?"??? even in supermarkets! sometimes, i wanna ask them "do you reaLLy wanna know?"... but yeah, can't we just skip this part and just move on? coz Like me, i don't know how i am... aLthough i can go for fine... im fine.... im a fine person... i do fine! im fine! but then again, i don't know how i reaLLy am...

im starting to reaLize that nursing is not for me... & no, this is not because im faiLing... but because i don't see me there... its not me! coz i know me! im a bLack-and-white person... and nursing is definiteLy NOT bLack-and-white... its gray! nursing is gray! soooo gray! uber gray! Lots of gray area!!! but im not giving up nursing... YET... i mean, i got here... & dude! its hard work to be here... so im not giving up just yet... but my reasons have shifted & changed... stiLL, ima do what i can to finish what i've started... to get to what i reaLLy want...

my stuff toys coLLection is growing... & im Loooving it!!! i wanted to take a picture of them, but im too Lazy right now... maybe next time... &&& yes, they aLL have names... hahaha

LastLy, i stoLe this from my Labs - quennie, from her bLog... when i read it, i thought "buLL's-eye!" swak na swak! its Like a perfect definition of the current me... so here it is, induLge!

"Sometimes it's hard to keep it aLL together when things are happening at the same time. When everything seems to faLL out of pLace. Everything seems to go wrong. You Lose your grip. You Lose your nerve. You start to question your purpose. Your reason. Your worth. And before you know it, the damage has been done. FeeLings are hurt. ReLationships tainted... And worst of aLL, you Lost yourseLf in the process.........." --> my Labs = quennie

ALL ABOUT YESTERDAY...

for starters: yesterday was V-Day for "together" peopLe... S.A.D for "aLone" peopLe... i don't reaLLy ceLebrate V-Day whether "together" or "aLone" i may be... but i get gifts from time to time... but we just don't reaLLy ceLebrate it... i'm not being a hater or whatever, basta! we just don't...

i'd Like to think that its juz another day... ordinary day... Like any other day... but with sooo much hearts around... too much that its actuaLLy rubbing off on me!

so here's the story:::

when i woke up yesterday... i opened a very tiny tiny box in my mind... put a person inside, Locked it & hid it at the very bottom... why? coz i know it wiLL heLp me make it through the day... period!

i spent most of yesterday with my girL friend... we did errands, heLped my sister get gLam & ate a Lot... we ate Lots! good food, especiaLLy chocoLates... it heLped us... haha 

ima teLL you something... its our aLbertson's story... so we were doing errands for my friend's mom that we had to go to aLbertson's... MAN!!! when the store door opened, it was Like... i dunno! Lots of hearts, fLowers, sweet stuffs, reds & pinks! don't get me wrong though, i LOVE red... red is my fave coLor... but yesterday,,, it was different! aaaahhhh! my friend & i Looked at each other & Laughed... what a depressing store! =D

then we went to westminster to bring some stuffs to my friend's LoLa... when we were driving home, "singLe Ladies" by beyonce was pLaying on the radio that we had to caLL my sister for her to hear it too! haha (inside joke!)

then we got home... stiLL can't wrap my head around the things that happened... but it did happen! & once again, i was proven that the very tiny tiny box that i hid and Locked was useLess... ^_^

i got fLowers (AFTER WE'VE BEEN SO CLEAR ABOUT NOT GiViNG FLOWERS!!!)... =P

pLayed "pente"... i think its a weird game... or maybe that's because i don't know the objectives of the game! haha i kinda won though, after eye-ing someone! hahaha =D weLL, you gotta do what you gotta do!!!

then... i GOT AMBUSHED!!! ambushed by the peopLe i Love!!! totaLLy frustrating... but fun in the end! haha =D i even texted a friend for distraction, coz it was driving me crazy having the peopLe i Love whisper & taLk behind me... coz im used to me having secrets about them, not the other way around!

unwiLLingLy, i bLind foLded myseLf...  threw a tantrum & even tried to get myseLf out of the bLind-foLding-thing by bargaining (&&& suprisingLy, my bargain didn't work!!!)... and then, got myseLf a surprise!

and that is... we went ice skating!  i've never ice skated my entire Life... so it was a first! i feLL 2 and 1/2 times... got my knees bruised, & not just one knee... but BOTH knees!!! hahaha its ok though... i kinda Learned how to skate... now, im a pro! hahaha  it was fun! had a great time!

then got home & found out everything about yesterday's pLan... the peopLe behind it & the aLibis around it! haha

--> before i went to bed yesterday... thoughts were fLooding my mind... as usuaL, they are thoughts that i can onLy think of... hehe but for now... i wiLL eat more chocoLates because it makes me feeL better!

DEATH iS iNEViTABLE

i'm not scared of dying... i think...

coz i beLieve that death is peacefuL...

                    that death is inevitabLe...

when you faiL...

when you faiL something...

or when you become the faiLure...

when you Loose...

when you Loose something dear to you...

or when you Loose someone you Love...

a part of you die...

i wonder...

for aLL the things that i've faiLed...

for aLL the stuffs i've Let go of...

HOW MUCH DEATH THAT THAT CAUSED ME???

"NOT EVERYTHiNG iS ABOUT YOU!!!"

"acute pain r/t psychoLogical and emotionaL agents AEB chest pain."

___fLat_Line_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ . . .

gossip girL

D: "it's over, isn't it?"

S: "we had to try..."

GG: "sometimes the onLy thing Left to do is wrap your arms around each other one Last time... and then just...............

Let go..."